Dear Molly,
One of our conversations on Friday made me start thinking about my journey of writing songs, and I thought, "I should write this down so I'll remember it." So, since you're probably the only other person who's also interested in hearing it, you are the recipient.
I remember distinctly when I first became a songwriter, although I can't remember exactly when it was. However, based on other events that happened before and after this one, I believe I was either seven or eight. In other words, my statement the other day
that it started before I knew you was most likely false. I'm sorry. Anyway, I believe I had just gotten out of the shower.* Rushing to my room, I grabbed a pencil and started writing furiously as the lyrics appeared in my head. When I had finished that night, I counted up my songs and discovered that I had written six. I tucked my notebook into my the case of my NIV Adventure Bible so that I wouldn't miss it if inspiration happened to strike during church the next morning. Sunday night, I persuaded my best friend to "write a song with me," which consisted of me writing a few lines and then asking her what she thought. I sent it home with her that evening.
Sadly, as far as I know, none of these precious manuscripts were preserved. However, I can remember the chorus to my favorite one. It went something like this:
"You are awesome, Jesus
Awesome, Jesus,
Awesome, Jesus,
Awesome."
Get the point? :)
The songwriting craze faded out as quickly as the fervor that had driven me to write those first songs had arrived. In fact, in fourth grade, my friend found the song that I'd written with her input, taught it to her younger cousin, and sang it for me.
"I like it." she told me.
I shrugged. Since I was no longer consumed with enthusiasm over the fact that I could write songs, I was able to listen objectively. And, in case you were wondering, I wasn't impressed.
"It's okay, I guess." was all I could say.
Several years passed. In that time, I never thought I'd go back to writing songs. I was, however, steadily becoming more and more enamored with writing in other genres. If you were to shadow me in any of my social interactions, you'd find me critiquing grammar or rephrasing sentences in order to make sure I understood what the other person what saying. My head was full of characters, plot-lines, and words, and I liked it that way. If you'd asked me, I would have freely admitted to you that I loved writing. But writing songs was out of the question: I didn't consider myself to be a good enough musician.
My second attempt to write songs came when I thought I was going to be in a band with some of my friends. One of them said, "I can put chords together, but lyrics are really hard. Do you think you could come up with something?"
"Great!" I thought. "If I'm the lyricist, then our songs will always have correct spelling and grammar."
I also had some other thoughts that were not quite so positive. Thoughts like, "How do you write songs, anyway?" Or, worse yet, "What if I can't write anything worth singing?" Honestly, these thoughts outnumbered the positive ones by such a large margin that I usually forgot how much I loved correct spelling and grammar.
Although I was terrified, I started writing lyrics again. Most of them were awkward and faltering attempts, but I was at least trying again. In the process, I figured something out: songs were good stress relievers. I already knew that listening to music could change my attitude, but when I was angry or sad or lonely, I found myself searching for my songwriting notebook. Putting the feelings into words lessened their intensity, and allowed me to look them in the face. I'd think, "In a few months, this song will make me laugh because I'll think it's ridiculous." and I'd start to feel better.
For a while, that was all songwriting was for me- an escape, a coping mechanism, and something so personal that I would have shuddered at the thought of ever showing my songs to anyone.
The story gets fuzzy here, because I'm not sure exactly what prompted me to start sharing what I'd written. Anyway, at some point I realized that I wasn't going to get any better unless I let someone else see what I'd written. I do know that I chose to share one with you because:
1) You write good songs
2) You are kind, so I figured your opinions wouldn't come across as harsh.
3) You had been hinting that Allison and I should start writing songs.
Of course, I still wasn't very enthusiastic about the idea of sharing songs that I'd written while I was in a bad mood. Instead, I decided to write a worship song, and in the process of creating something that wasn't inextricably linked to unhappy memories, I discovered that songwriting was fun. It still is.
That's the story, and one that will probably keep evolving as I keep writing. Hope you've enjoyed!
Love,
Julianne
*Why is it that good ideas always come to me in the shower? It's awkward.
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